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At 46, she still is not a 'grown-up'

Michelle’s Not-So-Excellent Vacation
by Keith Koffler on August 10, 2010, 8:23 am

The Scene: President Obama, Michelle, and White House political guru David Axelrod are sitting in the Blue Room discussing the Obamas’ vacation plans. Michelle is surprised to learn that she has misunderstood them, and that she is flying down to Panama City, Fla. for the night this Saturday.

Michelle: You said we were going to Panama.

Axelrod: I said you were going to Panama City.

Michelle: I was already IN Panama City.

Axelrod: I need you to go back.

Michelle: I want to go to Panama.

Axelrod: You were just in Spain, and we’re still hearing about it.

Michelle: Well then I want to go to Paris.

Axelrod: You did Paris last year.

Michelle: That’s why I want to go to Panama this year.

Axelrod: Panama City.

Barack: Darling, calm down, we’ll go to Panama after I’m reelected.

Michelle: I’m not going back to that Hellhole. No way. It’s about 105 and humid there in the summer. And all the fish and the beaches are contaminated with oil.

Axelrod: Actually, Mrs. Obama, we have you scheduled to be photographed playing with the kids in the ocean, and we have reservations for you, your family and 60 Secret Service agents at Fred’s Fish Shack for dinner.

Michelle: Fred’s Fish shack? Are you crazy? Do you think I’m going to poison my children after Mr. Bigshot over here couldn’t get the well capped.

Barack: I resent that.

Michelle: Yeah, I’ll give you something to resent. If you’d have had your sorry ass down there more in the spring we wouldn’t have to do this bullshit trip. I’m ordering a double helping of flounder for you while me and the kids get the turf option.

Axelrod: They don’t have a turf option.

Barack: I don’t like flounder.

Michelle: Yeah, well it’s a nice bottom fish that will be eating up all the oil you left down there.

Axelrod: We need to have you seen eating fish, Mrs. Obama.

Michelle: I’m going to take fish and stuff it down your throat Axelrod. Barack, why don’t you bring some of your NBA friends down there. I’m going to Panama.

Axelrod: Panama City.

Michelle: Panama City my ass! Are we at least staying at the Ritz?

Axelrod: There is no Ritz in Panama City.

Michelle: There isn’t anything in Panama City. Who the Hell went there even before the oil spill? Did your friends ever tell you, “Hey, my vacation’s coming up. I just booked us on a flight to Panama City?”

Axelrod: We also need to discuss your stay. We can’t have you there for just one night. It looks like you’re not serious about taking a vacation there

Michelle: I’m not serious about taking a vacation there.

Axelrod: Well, we need to bump it up to three nights.

Michelle: You can go jump in the Gulf of Mexico right now. We’re doing one night and hightailing it right back to Washington and then packing for Martha’s Vineyard.

Axelrod: That’s another thing, Mrs. Obama. We were thinking that Martha’s Vineyard might not be the right spot for your vacation this year. It reminds people of John Kerry, and we’re still trying to make everyone forget about John Kerry.

Michelle: So then where would you have us go?

Axelrod: Cleveland.

Michelle: Cleveland? Cleveland? Nobody willingly goes to Cleveland.

Axelrod: I’m not saying you need to do it willingly. We’re going to put you at the Cleveland Holiday Inn for three days, and then it’s on to Dayton for a stop at the Ramada Inn.

Michelle: You can kiss my ass.

Barack: Darling, you just went to Spain. We need to show everyone that we’re just like them. Times are hard for people. Nobody wants to see us sailing in the Nantucket Sound. Don’t you want me to be reelected?

Michelle: Well . . .

Barack: Don’t you like being the first lady, the queen of the land?

Michelle: Yes. Yes, I do like it. I do!

Barack: Well then, what do you say?

Michelle: How about the Maldives?